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Buddhist Jokes

Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby smokeandmirrors on Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:11 am

Student asks teacher- What is enlightenment?
Teacher- I have no idea.
Student-Ah.
Student is enlightened.
Teacher still has no idea.
....................................................

Job listing for zen master....Must know everything about nothing.
......................................................................

What is the sound of one hand clapping? The same sound as the audience at a Whitney Cummings gig.

...................................................................

I have a gateless gate at my house...someone stole it.

and blah blah blah....
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:23 am

A Medic,

I saw it several weeks ago too, elsewhere.

As long as this is a "jokes" thread, my serious joke about this square array of the repeated photo and varying captions is as follows:

The poor naturally-bald fellow's photo has, *I* think, been criminally mis-appropriated, and badly graffiti-ized by internet interlopers.

He is dressed in the typical uniform of a South Korean street sanitation-worker in Seoul; he merely went to a Park on his break and sat down for five minutes to rest. In fact, his name is MISTER Park.

While he was seated, he closed his eyes and lifted up his prayer to the Christian heaven:

"Dear Lord, ...please let me win the National Lottery this month: we NEED that new Hyundai".

Someone snapped his picture.

So!, let's never believe everything we see or read. '-)

Ours is a transmission not dependent on words or JPEGs.

--Joe

A Medic wrote:This made me chuckle.
"The abundance of Nature is not a matter of its 'providing' ". -- William James, c. 1901.

"Least said is soonest disavowed". -- Ambrose Bierce (c. 1900)

"Politeness: noun. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:36 am

"Discipline" was easier in the 1970s (or was it the 1960-s? Funny... I can't remember!).

But, then, it was: BE HERE NOW.

Lately, it's: "Beer, NOW!"

--Joe

Larry wrote:
jiblet wrote:'Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?'


Be here now. Be in the pub later. :)

Shameless rewrite :lol2:
"The abundance of Nature is not a matter of its 'providing' ". -- William James, c. 1901.

"Least said is soonest disavowed". -- Ambrose Bierce (c. 1900)

"Politeness: noun. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:21 am

Buddhist jokes are sought, I see.

Well, usually in Buddhism and in Zen, one of the big issues is Compassion.

Now, Pirates are not usually considered very compassionate.

So, we may ask a friend, for example, and wait upon a reply:

"Why are Pirates so MEAN?" ...and we can answer when no reply is forthcoming:

"I don't KNOW, they just ARRR-RR-R."

(and you can be really dramatic and Pirate-like in that last sound).

I think that even (English-speaking) PIRATES may like this, for a moment. But then, stay clear of their saber, or sharpened peg-leg, to be safe.

--Joe
"The abundance of Nature is not a matter of its 'providing' ". -- William James, c. 1901.

"Least said is soonest disavowed". -- Ambrose Bierce (c. 1900)

"Politeness: noun. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Bearzors on Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:08 pm

I got a good laugh from my family last winter: My friend gave me a lovely journal to write in as a gift. I brought it home, showed my wife and dad the blank pages and said, "Hey look my friend gave me a really great book on Zen Buddhism!"
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:52 am

One lifetime, after I was a Tibetan, I was resting in the Bardo, and I received birth-threats!:

The first came from a Hippopotamus. The next were from a Republican couple!

--Joe
"The abundance of Nature is not a matter of its 'providing' ". -- William James, c. 1901.

"Least said is soonest disavowed". -- Ambrose Bierce (c. 1900)

"Politeness: noun. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby fukasetsu on Fri Jan 03, 2014 5:07 pm

desert_woodworker wrote:One lifetime, after I was a Tibetan, I was resting in the Bardo, and I received birth-threats!:

The first came from a Hippopotamus. The next were from a Republican couple!

--Joe


:lol2:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Philosopher on Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:05 am

From Mumonkan, Case 21:

A monk asked the great master Unmon, "What is Buddha?"

Unmon replied, "A dry shit-stick" ("Kanshiketsu!").
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby littletsu on Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:27 pm

Image
合うは別れの始めだ。
有燈就有人。
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby unsui on Wed Apr 09, 2014 1:01 pm

littletsu wrote:funny poster

yep, pretty much sums it up!
May we extend This Mind over the whole universe so that we and all beings together may attain maturity in Buddha's wisdom
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby organizational on Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:55 pm

i think we are here for fun and games ¿
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:30 am

Enver,

organizational wrote:i think we are here for fun and games ¿

Funny man... .

:) :heya:

--Joe
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby organizational on Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:04 am

desert_woodworker wrote:Enver,

Funny man... .

:) :heya:

--Joe


Thank you.You're funny, too.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby bokki on Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:51 am

joe
Funny man... .

:) :heya:

org
Thank you.You're funny, too.

LOL LOOL LOL what a joke, lol, u 2 r just 2 funny LOL
LV u lol LOL
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10,000 frogs singing in the rain
burst into flames

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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby bokki on Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:01 am

and, org, how did u succeed to turn d question mark upside down? is it a font ability since im technically challenged?
thank u and joe for making my day joke...its tops, did not expect it...thnx 2 joe and org
LOL u 2 r funny in such a good zen way LOL
Another log on the fire,
10,000 frogs singing in the rain
burst into flames

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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby organizational on Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:44 am

bokki wrote:and, org, how did u succeed to turn d question mark upside down? is it a font ability since im technically challenged?


i'm just using cell (mobile) phone for the internet.i recommend everyone and esp. you.
it is much easy then to open and close the whole computer all the time.
That appears to be on the phone's keypad..
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:18 am

After I die, I want my body donated to Science (-Fiction). Cremation just doesn't make a good story.

Buddhist (or Hindu... ) to Christian: "How many TIMES have you been born-again?"

Monks from Shao Lin Monastery could beat you up with the sound of one hand tied behind their backs!

Imagine the nerve!: Minding my own business in the Bardo, I received birth-threats!

After nine years facing the wall, Bodhidharma finally turned his desk around so he could look out the window. Duh!

Everybody thinks Bodhidharma came from the West; He thinks he went to the East!

The sound of one hand is a lot like the sound of five fingers (but don't tell anybody, except for a price).

A rainy day is like ...a day without sunshine (a secular, not-too-Buddhist, observation; and no joke!).

--Joe
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:01 pm

.

After nine years facing the wall, ...Bodhidharma's laptop battery finally needed recharging.

The Sixth Patriarch narrowly escaped being disciplined for posting graffiti on the monastery wall (now we know why he REALLY went off in a hurry at midnight).

Ma-tsu's shouts weren't really shouts. He just had a bad dust-allergy.

If you were spared Lin-chi's blows, ...it's because you were quicker than he was.

And, now, a secular joke:

Q.: "What did one Ghost say to the other?"

A.: "Do you believe in Humans?"
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby bokki on Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:13 pm

thnx Joe, those are great! all of them, and birth threats,lol!
here's some:
-what do you call a really cool Roshi?
-.....frozen.

-what do you call hot bikini zen?
-.....brazen.

4 fuki, how many zen footballers does it take to score a goal?
--- a dozen.

- on a zennies door,
Knock! Knock!
zennie - "who is it?!"
answer - "nobody!"
zennie - "go away! i already have one!"

i really dont know about the following 1, but..only a joke!
my little take on Hakuins One Hand

this morning i decided to start practicing with
Hakuins "Whats the sound of one hand clapping?"
in the toilet..me questioning:"one hand clapping?"
at breakfast ..me:"one hand clapping?"
wife yapping..me:"one hand clapping?"
a small insight hits me..,she cant be the
"one hand clapping?", she sounds like a police siren!
me:"one hand clapping?"
she slams the door on her way to work..
me:"one hand clapping?"
i notice my cat, and a small insight hits me again..
"he cant be the sound of one hand clapping!
all he does is beg for food and lick his ..all day long.
he jumps into my lap for a massage, not out of love!"
"one hand clapping?,one hand clapping?.."
after 15 minutes of serious practice
a strange thing began, a great doubt started rising
just as they said it would
i started doubting, really doubting, everything!
i doubted my wife, where is she going so early? very suspicious!
i doubted my cat, he's just a furry parasite, using me!
i doubted my daughter, neighbor, boss, relatives ..all of it.
near the end of my practice, i started doubting myself, my life, and started
having ideas of doubtful quality.
finally, i had this insight..."i doubt the efficacy of practicing
"whats the sound of one hand clapping?",
its ridiculous! i doubt its for me." i said to myself,
and reached out to grab my cup of coffee.
b :heya:
Another log on the fire,
10,000 frogs singing in the rain
burst into flames

-Linda Anderson, aka LA
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby fukasetsu on Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:23 pm

bokki wrote:4 fuki, how many zen footballers does it take to score a goal?
--- a dozen.


:lol2:

Perfect, thanks bokki-man!
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