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Buddhist Jokes

Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby So-on Mann on Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:46 am

Image
Facing a precious mirror, form and reflection behold each other. You are not it, but in truth it is you.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:11 pm

What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
Nothing.
How did they respond in return?
"You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift."
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:20 pm

Here is a comic along the same lines as that joke.

http://www.happletea.com/2011/11/01/for ... verything/
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Fri Jan 27, 2012 5:26 pm

A Medic wrote:What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
Nothing.


:lol2: Parallels the Xmas card I sent my daughter this year....which was a Zen reworking of one of those jokey cards that says "this card contains nothing" etc etc
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby ed blanco on Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:55 pm

Possum wrote:
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “Can you make me one with everything?”


"Students who have achieved oneness can proceed to twoness."
-- Woody Allen

"I got an F in Metaphysics because I looked into the soul of the student sitting next to me during a test."
-- ibid



"I don't mind dying; I just don't wanna be there when it happens."
WA
IT SPEAKS IN SILENCE
IN SPEECH YOU HEAR ITS SILENCE

Yongjia Xuanjue
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:13 pm

ed blanco wrote:
Possum wrote:
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “Can you make me one with everything?”


"Students who have achieved oneness can proceed to twoness."
-- Woody Allen

"I got an F in Metaphysics because I looked into the soul of the student sitting next to me during a test."
-- ibid



"I don't mind dying; I just don't wanna be there when it happens."
WA

The dream scene from Bananas

"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby klqv on Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:29 pm

So-on Mann wrote:Image

+100!!!


yeah so... did you hear the one about??

:hide: :hide: :hide:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:25 pm

Anyone got any good "as the actress said to the Roshi" jokes?

One or two, could fit in here quite nicely :lol2:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby jiblet on Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:19 pm

For anyone who missed them, here are some observations from David Bader's "Zen Judaism: For You A Little Enlightenment" (publ. Harmony Books) that I posted a few months ago ( - still using the old material :blush: ):


'If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?'

'Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?'

'Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.'

''Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.'

'There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?'

'Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.'

'Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.'

'The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So ... maybe we're off the hook?'

'The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings … Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?'

'Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment … But, first, a little nosh.'



More witty commentary on Buddhist stuff here:
viewtopic.php?f=38&t=6291
:achoo:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:05 pm

jiblet wrote:'Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?'


Be here now. Be in the pub later. :)

Shameless rewrite :lol2:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:14 pm

What does a Buddhist comedian say when the audience stops laughing?
"I know you're out there. I can concentrate on your breathing."

People who are married are often burdened by responsibilities than distract them from the Dharma. Take my wife -- please!

A Buddhist comedian said, "Frank Sinatra saved my life. A couple of goons were beating me up and Frank said, that's enough."
I said, "I'm beyond aversion to this pain."
He said, "I'm beyond attachment to this beating."
"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:15 pm

Love the first two :lol2:

Beyond attachment to the third :lol2:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:40 am

Larry wrote:Love the first two :lol2:

Beyond attachment to the third :lol2:

Charlie Sheen called me and told me I'm winning.
"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Sun Jan 29, 2012 12:38 pm

If you're competing against poor old Charlie, I'm not surprised :lol2:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Barah on Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:28 pm

It's so true, that is made me laugh.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Quiet Heart on Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:04 am

:PP:
So three Zen monks are on a retreat. There is a small area with a stream passing by and a small bridge crosing that stream. The monks like to meditate on the other side of that stream. They all cross the stream by using the bridge and begin there meditation.
After a bit the first monk says to the others, "I'm sorry but i just reealised there is something I must do urgently. Please go on with your meditation. I'll be back shortly". Then without crossing the bridge he crosses the small stream, apparently walking on the water.
After the first monk returns, the 2nd monk also anounces he has to leave. Again the 2nd monk appears to cross the stream by walking on the water.
The 3rd monk thinks...they are no more accomplished than me. Surely if they can cross that stream by apparently walking on top of the water, then so can I.
So the 3rd monk rises and also tries to cross the stream, but he falls into the water as soon as he steps on it. Embarresed and soaking wet, he crosses by the bridge to change his clothes.
While he is gone the 1st monk says to the 2nd monk, "you know, it's not really fair. When he returns we should really show him where the stepping-stones are hidden in the that stream."
"Yes, I suppose we really should", the 2nd monk replies.
:blush:
In Quietness is the beginning of all Things
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Sat Mar 09, 2013 6:12 am

I always liked this tread.

Anyone else got any jokes out there?
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:22 pm

This made me chuckle.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:14 pm

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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby desert_woodworker on Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:28 pm

Hindu to Christian:

"Yes; but how many TIMES have you been born again?"

--Joe
"The abundance of Nature is not a matter of its 'providing' ". -- William James, c. 1901.

"Least said is soonest disavowed". -- Ambrose Bierce (c. 1900)

"Politeness: noun. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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