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Buddhist Jokes

Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Sun Jan 22, 2012 3:03 pm

Let us start a thread for Buddhist jokes. I love Buddhist humor but most people I know would never get the jokes. I'll go first.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An Angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"

The Christian replies, "My ancester disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven." "OK," replies the Angel, "sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How to spell God?". It is an easy question and the Christian passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replied, "It sounds OK to me but I have to give you a test also. How to spell Allah?" Not too bad, and the Muslim passes the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist turn, who tells the Angel,"I had done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five prescepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "that is very good, but there is no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, he agrees to take the test. The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:16 pm

Here is another one.

How many Zen Buddhist does it take to screw in a light bulb?


There is no light bulb,
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Mason on Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:31 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?






MU!
Interconnectedness: it's like two sides of the same coin, except each side is everything in the universe - including the coin.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:47 pm

A Buddhist walks into a Starbucks and orders a cup of chai. The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment and starts making slow, graceful arm movements. "There seems to be a misunderstanding," the Buddhist quietly explains. "I asked for chai tea. Not tai chee."
"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby A Medic on Mon Jan 23, 2012 8:07 am

Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"
Upon which the pupil replies: "Whom are you telling that?"




Why did the Buddhist coroner get the sack?
Because he’d always record the cause of death as 'birth'
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Omoi Otoshi on Mon Jan 23, 2012 12:59 pm

A Medic wrote:Here is another one.

How many Zen Buddhist does it take to screw in a light bulb?


There is no light bulb,


Three.
One to change it, one to not change it, and one to both change and not change it.
In a spring outside time, flowers bloom on a withered tree;
you ride a jade elephant backwards, chasing the winged dragon-deer;
now as you hide far beyond innumerable peaks--
the white moon, a cool breeze, the dawn of a fortunate day.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Omoi Otoshi on Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:07 pm



The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “Can you make me one with everything?” :dance:

The Dali Lama finally gets his pizza and hands the waiter $20, and asks for change.

The waiter replies, “Ah…but, Change must come from within”. :bored: :tee: :)X
In a spring outside time, flowers bloom on a withered tree;
you ride a jade elephant backwards, chasing the winged dragon-deer;
now as you hide far beyond innumerable peaks--
the white moon, a cool breeze, the dawn of a fortunate day.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Omoi Otoshi on Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:20 pm

A Medic wrote:Here is another one.

How many Zen Buddhist does it take to screw in a light bulb?


There is no light bulb,


What's the meaning of changing the light bulb?
An oak tree in the garden

:hide:
In a spring outside time, flowers bloom on a withered tree;
you ride a jade elephant backwards, chasing the winged dragon-deer;
now as you hide far beyond innumerable peaks--
the white moon, a cool breeze, the dawn of a fortunate day.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Larry on Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:57 pm

We should offer all these jokes to Bud Haha :)
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby partofit22 on Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:16 pm

why did it take Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa? he had no attachments-

why did the Buddhists refuse the use of novocain during a dental procedures? they want to transcend dental medication-

:EEK: :tee:
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:25 pm

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “Can you make me one with everything?”


"Students who have achieved oneness can proceed to twoness."
-- Woody Allen

"I got an F in Metaphysics because I looked into the soul of the student sitting next to me during a test."
-- ibid
"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby thewhitesquirel on Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:29 am

What do you call a Jewish-Buddhist?

Madhyamaka

Or you can use the pejorative term Mad-yamaka.
What is nearness if it fails to come about despite the reduction of the longest intervals? What is nearness if it is even repelled by the restless abolition of distances? What is nearness if remoteness also remains absent? -Martin Heidegger
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby MattJ on Tue Jan 24, 2012 2:44 am

How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Change comes from within.

:)
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby sunyavadi on Tue Jan 24, 2012 3:06 am

Thus had I heard: Three!
One to change it
One not to change it
And one to neither change it, nor not change it. :lol2:
he that knows it, knows it not.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Gregory Wonderwheel on Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:16 am

Omoi Otoshi wrote:
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “Can you make me one with everything?” :dance:

That video is priceless! Having fun down under!

_/|\_
Gregory
Why you do not understand is because the three carts were provisional for former times, and because the One Vehicle is true for the present time. ~ Zen Master 6th Ancestor Huineng
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby MattJ on Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:43 pm

Why are Buddhists terrible at playing music?

Because they got no soul!
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby sunyavadi on Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:12 am

careful now...(from a Buddhist jazz pianist.....) :) (and I don't agree that 'an-atman' means 'no soul', although this is not the thread to debate it.)
he that knows it, knows it not.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Mason on Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:13 am

sunyavadi wrote:careful now...(from a Buddhist jazz pianist.....) :) (and I don't agree that 'an-atman' means 'no soul', although this is not the thread to debate it.)



Bill Evans might as well have been a Zen Buddhist!
Interconnectedness: it's like two sides of the same coin, except each side is everything in the universe - including the coin.
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby Possum on Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:18 am

"He says things that, even the Buddha says, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
-- Robin Williams, on Jack Nicholson
"We found large differences between the effect sizes reported for complete MBSR programs vs. “pure” meditation."
- "The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis" by Eberth and Sedlmeier
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Re: Buddhist Jokes

Postby sunyavadi on Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:22 am

Kind of Blue - best ever jazz album, in my book - was very Zen, somehow.
he that knows it, knows it not.
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